Danny's Story
Here's how I figure it. Diane's inna car, right? She gets a bad headache cuz she feels a stroke comin on. She tries to get the Tylenol gel caps for fast relief, but that friggin Muslin guy at the store don't have em. So she's like "Faggetabowdit, I don't want no slow actin pills!"
She gets back inna car an she's drivin along and this pain from her abscessed tooth comes on. She's like, "Fuckin A, this is the pits! Where's the vodka? I'm gonna take one swigguh this faw my tooth pain." An then, when she's drivin allawng, her diabetes, which has been building up for a long time, since age dint know she had it, starts makin her thirsty!
An she's got the vodka bottle there, but she forgets it's vodka cuz her mind is clouded from the tooth pain. She thinks it's wunna them Dee-ah Pawk waterbottles and she chugs it! Cuz she's so thirsty from the diabetes.
Then, the lump in her leg stawts actin up on her, on toppa the tooth and the stroke and the diabetes. It hurts so much, she's friggin floorin the gas pedal, only she don't know it! Cuzzah the headache an the toothache and the diabetes! So, she's like, disoridented.
An the kid calls her faddah and sex, "Look he-yah, Aunt Diane is actin awl messed up!" and the faddah sex, "I'm comin ta git yiz!" But Diane takes the phone an sees what time it iz an sez, "Holy shit, kids! We godda git home!"
An she takes off like a battowddah hell. An I'm home watching the rosary on television and prayin, cuz like, I didn't make Mass in the mawnin. An me an the dawg is praying ta Gawd thankkin him for our byootyfull lives an awl. An then we git this phone call from Diane's asshole brutha an his hoity toity wife an I'm all confused becaws I'm sayin the Acta Contrishun an thinkin hly thoughts. An all hell breaks loose.
An she crashed the caw. It was all becawssa the medical problems she had becaws she's like, a very frightened person about doktiz an shit, so she don't go to no doktiz. She's also frugal-like, an likes to spend money on jeeps an purses instedda these he-yah doktiz that'll robbya blind with all their tests and pokin at ya.
An that's how it happened, an now I'm suin everybody cawz they been really nasty about my Diane, who wuz a saint an now I'm all fucked up tryin ta do stuff like laundry an bills an childcare an shit.
