I experienced a lot of loss early in life; when I was in college, a beloved teacher/mentor/friend was killed in a freak accident. A few years later, a man I had seriously dated committed suicide (pills, on New Years Eve, no less - we had broken up a few months before). And worst of all, like many others who read and post here, in my early/mid 30s I began to lose friends - and I mean a really close, tight knit group of friends - to AIDS. Seven of them - one by one by one, over about an 8 year span. (I know there are some on here who have lost far more, but needless to say, it was devastating. I was beginning to think that everyone I came into contact with died; luckily for me, I found an excellent therapist who helped me deal with this, along with other issues, and quite literally saved my life.
I began to place great value on self reliance, and developing the "strong sense of self" somebody alluded to upthread. I began to realize that the only person who was going to truly value and take care of me was - me. I built a successful career, always had good working relationships, gradually developed skills for managing people, and because I was single, was able to accept a really good promotion which required me to move to Chicago. I learned to prioritize myself first: I was always careful with money, (relatively) mindful of physical health, and lucky enough to have the time and wherewithal to nourish my psyche and soul with things and experiences I loved: books, art, music, theater.
People tend to like me because I'm easy to like: I'm relaxed, funny, and do not monopolize conversations or social situations. However, I have never married or had any kind of long term love relationship - and I'm OK with that. I have watched MANY couples, gay and straight, that I thought were solid as rocks, separate, divorce or go down the tubes in other very destructive ways. As I approached retirement, I moved back to my hometown, bought a house (now paid for) and have settled into a very comfortable life. I was able to support and care for my parents before their deaths, see siblings, nieces and nephews fairly often, and quite by accident discovered that a female friend from my college theater days (now long divorced) lives about 5 minutes away. She has become a dependable and valued friend, and we have a kind of pact that if either one of us has any kind of emergency we will be each other's first contact. So far I've only had to run her up to urgent care once when she cut her hand. She doesn't know it yet, but I have written her into my will.
I am 71 now and very grateful for the life I have. I sometimes think of my lost friends and imagine how totally different my life might have turned out if any or all of them had survived. Other times I'm actually glad they're not alive to see certain things. I can honestly say I do not experience loneliness or depression - I think the losses I experienced early on taught me that life is fragile and every day is pretty much a gift.
One more thing: be wary of "reconnecting" type relationships. For awhile after I retired I was active in a couple of local theater groups, and through that ran into a guy I knew in college that I had really enjoyed and respected. He glommed right onto me and sadly, it didn't take long to realize that the erudite, talented guy I remembered from 30 years ago was in fact a failed, egocentric alcoholic and a disappointment in every way. It made me wish I had never run into him and could have remembered him as he was.
Sorry this is so long!!! Best wishes to all - especially when watching all those Hallmarky, idealized soft focus commercials showing groups of central casting friends and families celebrating "idyllic" holidays!
