I met "J" in an AA meeting a few years ago. He started giving me rides home and we would talk and talk about our experiences.
J told me that he sometimes thought he could be bi-sexual but he could never act on it because he could never live with himself. At that time, I didn't think much of it. I wasn't instantly attracted to him and most people in AA disappear.
J and I started getting closer, sharing more intimate details of our lives. He told me that he had been molested as a child. This made me comfortable enough to reveal that I had a similar secret. This made us closer. I started to develop feelings for J.
One day over lunch, he said that he found me attractive. I asked him if he was gay and he said no. He just couldn't explain the attraction. Numerous times he said he thought I was an attractive male. This just didn't make sense to me. If I am attracted to someone, I want to have sex. How could he not feel the same?
J soon became an obsession. I dropped everything to hang out with him. We went to meetings together, he paid for dinners, we went shopping (he wanted me to help him pick out a new wardrobe)...all these things that don't seem like something a "straight" guy would do with a gay guy. I would talk about him constantly with my therapist. She insisted that I was making up this "relationship" in my head, and that he was probably using me for my loyal friendship.
I told J how I felt, that I had feelings for him. He told me that he could not return those feelings but that he still loved me as a "brother". I was devastated and cut ties with him.
Fast forward to 2014. He relapsed. We started talking again. I visited him and he offered me Jack and Coke. Just to be there, closer to him, I drink. We watch Million Dollar Listing NYC and end up holding hands. I caress his fingers and hands and kiss them. He doesn't say a word and it seems like he is enjoying it. I leave to piss and he says, "If you were a girl I would fuck the shit out of you tonight!" WTF?
He asks me to spend the night. I refuse (like a jackass). I had to work the next morning and can't risk being late. I try to feel his crotch and he just says my name like "What are you doing?" I go home and am excited about our next meeting, which is planned for the weekend.
I return on Friday night, in the pouring rain to hang out with J. This time I plan on spending the night and taking full advantage of J. This time though, he is not nearly as excited and happy to see me. He seems a bit standoffish and making an extra effort to let me know "I love you as a brother, bro".
WTF?
What do you guys think is up with "J" ?
Should I just leave this alone?
